Back in July I posted some thoughts about being pregnant the second time around. I mainly touched on the fact that the whole experience is much more laid back, and that the planning has been almost nonexistent in comparison to when I was pregnant with Essley. Well here we are, almost in October, and not much has changed. I am genuinely relieved that so much of the fear and uncertainty is gone this time, but I'll also admit that I sometimes find myself a little worried that I'm not more, well, worried.
We truly have not done a thing to prepare for baby boy's arrival. Part of this is because we already have a lot of baby stuff left over from Essley. Part is that I now know that newborns pretty much live in pajamas and only need breast milk (or formula) for food, and simply require very little in terms of material things. And part is that we're sort of in limbo, not knowing if we'll find a house to buy (more on that here) before the baby's arrival (in which case he'd have his own room; in our current place he'd be sharing with Essley). The intense hustle and bustle of preparations that filled my life two years ago when I was 6.5 months pregnant with Essley just doesn't exist right now as I type this, 6.5 months pregnant with baby boy.
Like I said in my other post, it's just a different kind of excitement this time. It's a more even-keeled experience - without the fireworks, but also without the massive amount of stress. Last week I was working in my office and little dude was kicking, and I started daydreaming about the moment he arrives. I thought back to when I first met Essley, and how sleep deprived and exhausted I was after 30 hours of labor, and how as overjoyed as I was to meet her, I was also terrified. I can't even imagine possibly loving anyone else as much as I love Essley (which I'm told is a common feeling before actually meeting #2), but I started to think about that moment when he will be placed on my chest to nurse, and how wonderfully different it will feel to have that fear removed - that fear of the unknown that I had the first time. At that moment, as I sat there allowing my mind to wander, I just became overwhelmed with emotion and started crying, in the best of ways. Because despite not having a list of names or a nursery newly set up and decorated or a pile of new stuff for baby or much of anything planned at all, I absolutely cannot wait to hold that little man in my arms. And I'm pretty sure that that is all that really matters.
Top image is Essley at a couple months old. Bottom image is Essley, not long after we met for the first time. Neither are very good quality, but both are full of genuine love. Again - that's all that really matters.
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