Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Read This if You Really, Really Love Your Pet


I've been thinking about Bubby dog even more than usual over the past few days.  And considering the fact that he crosses my mind at least a hundred times a day on a regular basis, this means I've been thinking about him pretty much incessantly.  In a week and a half, it will be six months since we had to say goodbye to him.  So maybe subconsciously knowing that this date is approaching is the reason for him flooding my thoughts.  Or maybe it's because summertime is here, and there are just so many memories of the last 16 summers of my life that involve Leary (Bubby's real name, for those who don't know).  I was very young when I rescued him, and every summer of my adult life included him: the long evening walks, the hang out sessions on the deck, the play time in the park, the exploration of oceans and lakes and mountains and cities on our endless cross-country journeys.  Leary had a knack for reminding me how to really experience life, especially in the summertime.  He adored new places and new people, and it seems that it was often in the summer that we went seeking new adventures.  It feels really weird not having by my side right now.


People keep asking us when we're going to get another dog.  The thing is, we're not.  This isn't because we don't ever want to include a dog in our family again, because eventually, I'm confident that we will.  We are dog people, and that never goes away.  I've had many dogs throughout my life, including my sweet Alaskan Malamute Tabha, who I lost in 2008 to cancer at the age of 8.  Bubby was 3 when I got her.  They become brother and sister, and just like Bubby, Tabha was a major part of my adult life.  She was my free-spirited wild wolf, and I loved her every bit as much as I loved Bubby.  But Bubby was my heart.  My soul mate.  I'm just not in place where I could get another dog and know with even a tiny amount of certainty that I wouldn't be constantly comparing it to Bubby.  He was truly the most incredible living creature that I ever met, and I have a strong feeling that until Robbie and I have children, I won't experience that profound level of connection again.


I'm not sad, and I don't want this to be a sad post.  The truth is that Bubby continues to bring happiness to my life every single day.  Robbie and I are constantly bursting into laughter over random recollections of something he once did or silly pictures of him that we come across.  In fact, we have pictures of him all over house, and I never shed tears when I look at them - I always smile.  That said, I won't sugar coat the fact that there is absolutely a void in my heart since Bubby passed away, and it hasn't lessened with time.  It's hard to describe, and may even sound a little ridiculous to those who don't have intense attachments to their pets.  It's a constant feeling that something is missing.  It's an awareness that an underlying contentment that filled my daily life for so long it became a seemingly permanent fixture is no longer there.  As I said, I've had - and lost - several beloved pets in my lifetime. I've also lost some very close friends and family members (including Jeff, my best friend, ex-partner, and "brother," who took his own life exactly two years ago tomorrow), so dealing with major loss isn't a new experience for me.  But this isn't a feeling of loss as much as a feeling that an integral piece of my personal puzzle is missing.  It's like something always feels a little off in the day-to-day, even 6 months later.  I don't think this feeling will ever disappear, or even decrease.  Instead, I will slowly learn to live with it and adjust accordingly.  I will also continue to stay positive and grateful for all of the awesomeness that Leary brought to my life.  It's impossible not to. 


Perhaps the only truly unfortunate thing about having pets is that you are most likely going to have to say goodbye to them before they have to say goodbye to you.  And that just plain sucks.  But the more memories you create with them, the more quality time you spend with them, and the more you are mindful of the subtle bliss they bring to your life on a daily basis (which even includes the 2 AM emergency vet visits and cleaning up their poop), the greater the chance you'll get to continue to experience delight in the mark they left on you after they're gone.  This is what keeps me going and prevents me from being enveloped with sadness.  Even with the void I mentioned earlier, I'm somehow still able to feel the comfort, humor and magic that came along with being Bubby's mom while he was living.  It's different, but it's still here.    


I can honestly say that not one single aspect of my life with Bubby feels like it was a mistake.  There is nothing about any of the choices I made for him that I regret.  This doesn't happen often for me.  Just like every human being, I've made a lots of mistakes in my life.  And I sometimes get lost in the pointless abyss of perfectionism, where I catch myself looking back on situations and wondering how I could have done better.  Not with Bubby.  This doesn't mean that I didn't sometimes very awkwardly succumb to the immense learning processes that accompany things like cluelessly raising a puppy when you are still basically a child yourself or caring for a geriatric animal who eventually becomes ill enough to require hospice.  It just means that I am 100% sure that I did my very best with him, that I gave him everything I could have possibly given him in his lifetime, and that I made sure he knew that I accepted and fully appreciated his unconditional love with every ounce of my being.  It is knowing this that allows me the great gift of continuing to feel loved by someone who is no longer here, and the fortune of experiencing an enduring joy as a result of the connection we had while he was living. 


If you have a dog, a cat, a bunny, a rat...  go hug them.  Right now, if you can.  Take lots of pictures.  Bring them with you when you do fun things.  (I had a bunny once too.  He traveled with Bubby and me all over the country.)  Give them lots of treats.  Promise them that when it's their time to go, you will be there with them, holding them and comforting them as they leave this world.  Be extra patient and extra affectionate.  Spoil them.  Be grateful for how lucky you are that they chose you.  And when you talk to them, watch their reaction.  Pay attention.  Look into their eyes and realize, over and over again, how much they look up to you.  You are everything to them.  And that will never change, even after you say goodbye. 


P.S.  Back in January, for my birthday, I posted about a couple of special organizations who specifically cater to senior dogs in need.  If you're ever thinking of making a donation to an animal-related group, or even just want to learn more about how you can help old dogs, please keep them in mind.  You can read more here.  Oh - and if you haven't seen it yet, check out the tribute video I made for Bubby a few months ago.  Now go smother your pet with love.

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53 comments:

  1. ((hugs)) bubby was such a special dog to you and it clearly shows. thinking of you on this 6 month anniversary (i dont like how anniversary sounds like a happy word in this case because it's not).

    <3

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  2. This is such a beautiful post. Although it wasn't meant to be a sad, I completely welled up thinking about all the animals I've loved and lost and dreading the day I'll lose my current dog (who I can't imagine living without). I do, however, treasure every minute I spend with my dog (Django), and often wonder whether I need him more than he needs me. As always, thank you for sharing!

    P.S.
    I gave Django a big hug and kiss after reading this (and he ignored me as he focused on sinking his teeth into my peanut butter toast).

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  3. Beautifully written and very true!

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  4. What a lovely post and really got me thinking. I pretty much grew up with a kitty called Bertie - he was a rescue cat and I remember picking him out while sat in my push chair. It was the ginger and white cat I wanted more then anything in the world. So we grew up together, he'd wake me up on a morning by sitting on my bed, he'd curl up next to me on the sofa. He died when I was away at university and I sometimes feel like I let him down because I wasn't there when he was getting old. While there was another cat after his death in my parents life, it never felt right until this year [which is a good six years after Bertie's death]. Its only now that I've been able to truly welcome our new cat Smokey into my life. I take so many photographs of Smokey and of Ed [my husbands kitty]. People probably think i'm crazy but I just love capturing everything they do because I never took enough of my first kitty.

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  5. this is totally awesome and amazing and i understand. I run Ask Away (ellenros.blogspot.com) and i have to laugh at my banner that includes me and my fourchihuahuas... i look like a crazy dog lady..and thats fine.. bc i am. i too have an intense attachment and so i totally understand what u mean when u said that. Pixie is my closest little girl. my firstever dog of my very own. eveyrday i remind myself how she wont be around forever so i have to spoil her more and more! i really liked thispost! thanks for sharingit!

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  6. I love the way you talk and care about your Bubby, and I'm telling you that I got very emotional after reading this, I think that the tought of never seeing my lovely Whiskers ( I have a fun and adorable cat, he is 10 years old), brings tears to my eyes. I love him to death and I can't imagine my day without him being there. He's the first and last thing that's on my mind every single day.

    Lots of love and have a wonderful day!

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  7. Best post ever. I'm with you--animals impact our lives more than humans ever could. I believe that 110%. Thank you for this!!

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  8. I love this, Melissa. It makes me feel better to know I'm not alone in thinking I have a "doggy soul mate." My Lucy is everything to me. And I love our beagle/basset puppy Hatfield to the moon and back. I feel bad for clogging up instagram with pictures of both of my dogs.

    I donated to YAH when Leary passed, and again when our kitty Stella Blue passed. They are such a lovely organization.

    Hugs to you.

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  9. Whenever someone (animal or person, doesn't matter) is with you all the time, every day, for many years, they will leave a void when they go. There's no way to get around that. You will feel a shift in your routine and the feeling that things aren't right. I think what you're feeling is probably similar to people who care for a sick or elderly family member until the end. There's not really a "getting back to normal" because your daily routine involved them. So you have to create a new normal. I think when the time is right, another dog will be lucky to have you. <3

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  10. So beautifully written and so very true. Thank you for sharing this, Bubby was very lucky to have had you!
    I, too, have had many pets growing up and so I have had to say good bye to a few, but they are always on my mind and in my heart. xxx

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  11. This post is awesome. I'm going to tweet a link to it, because everyone needs to go hug their pet right now. :)

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  12. Oh my gosh that has just made me sob. I am SO in love with my dog Tilly and am pretty darn lucky to get to spend every day with her, I can't imagine life without her..that's what made me sob. I'm so happy you had all that time with your Bubby, what a lucky girl you are. They just creep on in to your heart and fill it up with love and smelly dog licks...I'm going downstairs for a cuddle right now. I love this post, thank you so much for it xxxx

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  13. I don't know if I can be as eloquent when the time comes to say goodbye to Charlie, my 9-yr-old rescue cat. You've said it for us.

    Even with three children and a spouse of nearly 26 years, all of whom I love dearly and would give my life for, the connection I have with this cat is something I've never experienced with any other living being. Not a day goes by that I don't give thanks that he chose us, and (vainly) prepare my heart for the inevitable parting.

    I saw a picture on Facebook of a German shepherd lying by the casket of a fallen soldier, his human buddy. It reminded me that the sorrow of parting is better given to me, because I'd rather not have Charlie wondering why I left him.

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  14. Oh jeez I had to stop reading this several times because I kept bursting into tears.

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  15. Oh, man, talk about a lump in your throat! This made me tear up several times. I don't know what I would do without my two cats Link and Zelda. I know how much your animals can really mean to you. They are seriously like my children. I worry about them when I go out of town, they "take care" of me when I'm sick by being extra snuggly and lovey, they greet us at the door when we get home. This was an amazing post. Makes me want to leave work and go cuddle with them! :)

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  16. this post... was beautiful. i, too, have loved and lost many pets throughout my life and while i've loved them all with every opunce of my being, some are... a part of me. one of my cats, oliver... is my soulmate, my best friend, my everything. i have another mew, crash, who i love to pieces and they're the best of friends. but oliver is my heart. he has my heart and i have pondered what that will feel like when he's gone. like i said, i've said goodbye to many dogs and cats over the years and some were harder than others, but oliver is the first one who is mine, as an adult. he is mine and i am his and i know i won't ever be the same for having known him. such a lovely post, thanks so much. <3

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  17. Love this post! My husband and I got a dog 10 months ago (at eight weeks old) and since we don't have children, she is truly our baby. We can't go out to the store without bringing her back something, she knows our voices, our commands with the snap of a finger or a kissing sound, and is devoted to us so whole heatedly- and she's only still a puppy. No one understands our connection with her, but it runs deep, and we hope to have her for as long as her body will hold out. I can't imagine ever losing her, and she's only been ours for ten months! Touching post- great reminder. Thanks for this!

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  18. This is such a lovely post! Thanks for sharing your heart. I love that you loved Bubby so much. Sounds like your each brought a huge amount of joy to each others lives. My Crosby will be 2 tomorrow and I can not imagine not having him great me each day when I get home. Big hugs to you!

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  19. The bond that you have with Bubby was the reason I began reading your blog. I love everything else that you do on here and with your clothing line, but your puppy soul mate was what really sucked me in. I too rescued a puppy when I was still, very much, a child myself. I did it all on my own. My friends always thought it was strange that I often opted out of get-togethers when I wasn't able to bring my baby, Bugsy (Jerry). He is the love of my life, a light that I can't imagine living without. Inevitably, time is a thing that just keeps moving on and aging all of us. I hope that when I have to deal with what you have gone through, I will be as strong as you have been. I truly know what it means for them to be your soul mate. He is my once in a lifetime dog, Much like your Bubby was and still is to you <3

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  20. Oh darlin...I cannot even imagine...I cannot wait to go home and love my pups til they squirm away. You are so right that it is the little things that are so important. My babies are my family, and try to appreciate every moment with them. However, this post serves as a good reminder to just really open my eyes to their beautiful spirits while they are here, and really hold on to every second, every snuggle, every head tilt, every kiss. :) Thank you for this.

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  21. I am crying SO hard right now -- I can't help it, I have three cats who are my world and I know just what you mean! Also I am at work and I don't have my own office, so I should probably stop crying now ... <3

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  22. Thank you for sharing. What a lovely post.

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  23. This was absolutely beautiful. I cherish my animals like they are my kids, and I dread the day that we have to say goodbye. But, I know that when I do I'll have lots of beautiful memories with them to hang onto. :)

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  24. Thank you so much for this post, you made me remember why I love my dog, which I really needed right now. I also blogged about it and linked to this post of yours, hope that's okay. You and Leary were lucky to have had each other! :)

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  25. Such a beautiful tribute to a noble friend. I love my fur baby so much, and it's so nice to see others feeling that same love for their buddies.

    You have a beautiful blog here, I'm so glad I found it today. Will be following for sure!

    Jen
    http://drawingsunderthetable.blogspot.ca

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  26. This is a beautiful post. You were both lucky to have each other!

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  27. Such a beautifully written post and so much insight, I am in tears!!! You and Bubby have a connection that will never go away!! I just watched the video tribute again too, it's so touching!

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  28. melissa, you look so young back in the day. does it feel like a lifetime ago. my friend is suffering the recent loss of her black lab, & my heart aches for her too. i have an aunt that was so connected to her dog, she says she won't get another one again either. so you're not alone. so glad leary still brings you joy! :)

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  29. Thank you guys SO much for comments. I think this might have been the most insightful, kind group of comments the blog has ever gotten. It's amazing to see how many of you have similar connections to your pets. It truly makes me happy. xo, melissa

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  30. This is so, so good, Melissa. I can't wait to go home and hug my dog RIGHT NOW. He is the love of my life, as it sounds like Bubby was in yours. He sounds and looks like he was a very sweet, loving dog and I'm so sorry for your loss, though you are making the most positive experience with out of it with such articulate self-expression as exhibited by this post. Best wishes to you and your family!

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  31. Excuse me a second as I dry my eyes enough to see what I'm typing ... This is so beautifully written. Such a heartfelt tribute to a friend you miss so much and will always love. I am sometimes worried about my own feelings for my cat Eddie. I'm afraid that by loving him as much as I do I'm setting myself up for so much pain when he inevitably goes. Your post has made me less worried.

    Loulou

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  32. omgosh! can i just tell you how in love i am with your baby!
    and i agree with everyone above. i want to run home and gather up my three little ones and just smother them in kisses and hugs and treats.

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  33. I can feel the love. And the love flows back...

    Love, Meli(ssa)

    p.s. The sand picture is too incredibly adorable. :)

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  34. I know you said that you didn't want this post to be a sad one, but I still cried. I can relate so much. That love you feel towards your pet and your best friend is incredible - though, you can't talk to them or them to you, it's so easy to see the unmistakable love and compassion they hold for you. I'm a WRECK when a pet passes away [and that's sugar-coating it]. I haven't had a dog in a while, but I have a bird and I swear... I have as much love for him as I ever did for any of my other pets. To me, he's truly my companion, my heart and my best friend. I dread the day I have to say goodbye to him, but I'm planning on making a post about my pet too. So he can always be remembered.

    Thank you for sharing such beautiful words. I'll try to stop crying now...

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  35. The one year anniversary of loosing our Bubby is coming up and not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss him. They bring something so special to our lives. Thank you so much for writing such an amazing and beautiful post!

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  36. A beautiful post. Something that I really needed to hear since my own baby is getting older and i'm not even close to prepared for what is to come. Thank you for being so open.
    -Brittany
    www.itsybittythings.blogspot.com

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  37. Hi Melissa,
    I only recently discovered your blog but loved it right away. That said, this particular post will keep me a loyal reader for a long time. Your eloquence and perspective was incredibly touching and I've got a lump in my throat while reading your reflections on life with Bubby.

    I will do my best to keep your words in mind when that inevitable time comes for my beloved Bernese Mountain Dog Dexter. He has been my soulmate and biggest confidant since I moved abroad to London and I don't know how I will cope when he eventually says goodbye. I only hope I will have your positivity and grace. Thank you for sharing this amazing post.

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  38. My daughter sent me a link to your blog with the note to "scroll down" for the homemade dogs treats. Suffice it to say, I got sucked in to reading this post and bawled like a baby. What a wonderful and touching tribute to your dear Bubby!

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  39. Beautiful blog post, even it's a bit sad to read.
    The pictures are beautiful, full of joy and love.

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  40. ohmygosh i LOVE this post. everything. i have tears! i miss bubby for you! my pup is with my parents right now gaining weight and i miss him terribly, so maybe not the best time to read this, but this is SO powerful. i want to share this with the people i know through animal rescues because i know they would love this post. and indeed - the pets need you and you are their everything.

    <3 katherine
    of corgis and cocktails

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  41. It is such a beautiful post. I feel exactly the same regarding the lost of my Ninie, almost 10 months ago. Thank you for writting this!

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  42. I just stumbled onto your blog - and this wonderful post that brought tears to my eyes! I'm a mommy to two dogs and they are my world! My husband often jokes that I love them more than him (sadly, in some ways it's true!) Thank you for the beautiful read. xo, Kat

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  43. What a beautiful tribute to Bubby! It seems to me that you said everything that could be said about a beloved pet. The photographs are wonderful; he looks like a very happy, well-loved, special boy! How lucky you were to have each other. I agree with you that, while we dog people love all of our companions, there's often one who was the friend-of-the-heart -- my German Shepherd, Alex, who died last year at 13, was mine. I've loved all of my other dogs, but I adored him. It's a wonderful thing to experience, isn't it?

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  44. I am nearly in tears right now after reading this (ok let's be honest, I am totally crying!). I just got a my first dog a couple weeks ago and have been a humongous animal lover all my life. Raising a puppy has not been easy so far, though there are definitely the fun moments that have me rolling with laughter and the quiet moments where I feel like we just get each other. I am trying my best and hoping to get to a relationship like you had with Bubby. You're so right that we are their whole world. I'm sure you were a great world for Bubby to live in.

    xoxo
    Melyssa
    http://thenectarcollective.com/

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  45. I so understand and appreciate your feelings about Bubby - I had to let one of my cats, Baby, go to the Rainbow Bridge earlier this month and I see her out of the corner of my eye ALL the time. . .Me & my family (including my husband & 3 other furbabies) all have been more aware of each other since losing Baby. . . You can read about my tribute to Baby here: http://art-without-anxiety.blogspot.com/2013/05/goodbye-to-baby.html - thank you for your beautiful post, bless you & Bubby

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  46. I just found your blog through one of my favorites, One Part Plant, and I'm sobbing over here. My doggie Dexter is my heart! I can totally relate to your connection with Bubby. What a sweet, sweet boy. I can't wait to get home from work and make it rain tummy rubs!

    XOXO
    Jessica

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  47. I lost track of your blog a while back. Bubby (Leary) was still alive when I was a regular reader. I'm so sorry for your loss. I could relate what you were saying about the void that's left. I got my childhood dog when I was six and he died when I was twenty. I didn't even know who I was with him. He was so much apart of my identity. It sounds crazy but that's how it felt.

    I hope that you feel better this year .

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  48. Oh wow... this is beyond touching. I'm always hesitant to talk about how close I am with my dog because some people still feel "they're just an animal". Reading this entry I kept nodding my head -- you've taken the words right out of my mouth. My best friend, Duncan (a yorkie/maltese mix) has been with me through thick and thin, up and down. He's turning 6 this spring and I pray I have years and years ahead with him. Reading this reminds how much of a soulmate he really is. I can't wait to go home and give him a big hug :)

    Sending comfort to your heart, although I know nothing can ever replace this type of loss. You have a beautiful perspective on remembering the good times over the loss.

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  49. Your post made me cry. I too lost the little soul-mate. I have had other animals in the past that I have lost to old age or cancer. However, none were like my baby Copper, he was a chinese shar-pei/pit bull mix. It was the first dog that I rescued with my husband. He was our first "fur baby" as a couple. I nursed him back to health when he came home with kennel cough. I stayed up nights steaming the bathroom so he can breath better and hand fed him when he was too weak to stand and eat. Copper, went on every vacation we went on. Disney, Marco island, Naples, The Keys, Georgia, Philly, Baltimore...the list can go on. He was my baby and I only had the honor of having him in my life for less than two years. April 17, 2014 will make it a year since I have lost him. He slipped out of his collar to chase a squirrel and was hit twice by a car in front of my eyes. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him or think of him. I too have pictures of him throughout my home. Since his passing, I have rescued two babies and I try so hard not to compare them to their big brother. He will forever have a part of my heart. Maybe, once I have children I will be able to fill the hole but until then I will have nothing but fond memories of Copper and his adorable inked tongue.

    So, to all those reading this little post, please do not trust that your dog won't slip out of his collar. I have never had Copper do that and it took one error on my part to lose him. I now keep both my dogs in a harness when I walk them. I never want to experience that pain of seeing your lifeless family member on the ground. Keep your pet in a harness or if need be a prong-free "choke" collar.

    Hugs and Kisses to you for sharing your story about Bubby.

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  50. What an awesome post! We just lost our dog, Jack, tonight after almost 16 years and the words you expressed are exactly what we are feeling right now. Thank you for keeping it all in perspective and we will cherish all of the awesome memories/adventures Jack was a part of. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. I'm so sorry for your great loss Leslie. Sending lots of love your way.

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