Thursday, April 9, 2015

My Thoughts on the Effect of Blogging and Social Media on Being Present


The Effect of Blogging and Social Media on Being Present

(How's that for a long title? Just wait until you see the length of the post. I'm getting heavy today guys. High fives and fist pumps in advance to those of you who take the time to read it all.)

Recently, my husband (who, as I've mentioned many times before, works for a band and is on the road, away from home, for half of the year) had two and a half weeks off. This was the most he'd been home in 2015, and it was pretty great. He met Essley and me in Arizona where we spent a few days relaxing, and then we all flew back to Chicago and had a week and a half at home together. Our situation is a little unusual in that my work schedule almost completely revolves around his (so that one of us is always able to care for our daughter while the other ones works), so I spent the majority of weekdays that he was here cramming in as much work as possible. But the rest of the time, we really took advantage of our time together to just enjoy life as a family. We ate dinner together, went for walks together, ran errands together, took Essley to the library and the park, dyed Easter eggs together, cleaned our house together, and just hung out. We dropped Essley off at her grandparents' house and spent a couple of evenings together as a couple as well. Again, it was pretty great. Robbie's time at home, especially in the first half of the year, is very sporadic and can sometimes feel more like visits than us all actually living together as a family. It's not easy, but there are good things that result from it. Mainly, the fact that our time together is sometimes so little almost forces us to be intentional in finding ways to enjoy every moment of it. And for that, I'm actually really grateful.

All of this said, even in this genuinely appreciated, preciously limited time together, I sometimes find myself elsewhere. I'll start thinking ahead to when Robbie leaves again, and worrying about how I'm going to meet important work deadlines and schedule phone meetings and get housework and errands done and appointments made, etc., while taking care of Essley by myself over the week or two he'll be gone. Suddenly my mind is in a different place, and it's not always easy to pull it back into the moment. I sometimes find myself doing something similar with my weekends too - where on a sunny Saturday afternoon, in the middle of having a great time with friends or family, I catch myself transported to the future, to Monday morning and all of the stress that accompanies that dreadful day of the week when you make the harsh shift back to a work state of a mind from a leisure one. It's not just negative or stressful stuff though. Sometimes it's just thinking ahead. I've gotten a zillion times better about not obsessively planning in general, but if I'm going to be taking a trip, the entire week before I find myself excitedly making mental lists that involve getting ready for the trip and/or what will happen while we're there. Over time, I've gotten really good at not living in the past, but pulling myself into the future is still a work in progress. I'm aware of it though, and that has really helped in terms of being able to pull myself back and be mindful.

Living in the future, however, is only a very small part of my struggles to be present. My biggest challenge involves something that strips the 'now moments' away from a lot of us - and that is the false reality of the internet. Like many (most?) of us, I always have my phone on me, and I'll catch myself checking my work email or checking into Instagram or Facebook in the middle of us watching a movie, or on a car ride together with my family, or even when we're out to dinner. Technology - and more specifically, blogging and social media - is, my far, my biggest obstacle when it comes to existing in the now.

The topic of being present certainly isn't a new one for a blogger to explore. You see posts all the time on blogs and social media about struggles with creating separations between the online world and real life. How many times have you read bloggers say that they're taking a break to focus on their lives aways from their computers? How many Instagram captions underneath a pretty picture of a sunlit tree or a sweetly playing baby or an outstretched hand holding an ice cream cone in front of a colorful brick mural have you read that say something along the lines of, "I'm taking some time to unplug. See you in a couple of weeks." How many times have you seen blogs come to an end completely, or social media accounts be deleted, for these same reasons? So really, it makes sense that this would be a topic of discussion in these circles. I think that for those of us who blog regularly, and/or blog as part of our careers, or really, for anyone who works online in a field where they're constantly devoting time to social media or branding, this is a legitimate issue. Even those who just blog or connect via social media for fun can easily get drawn into this world and away from actually living life if they're spending enough time at their laptops or with phones or iPads in hand. Blogging and being active on social media are wonderful, incredibly powerful ways to connect. Clearly I find them enjoyable and interesting, or I wouldn't devote so much of my work/life to them. But there's no doubt that they can strongly and negatively affect what is a essentially a very important gift - the ability to live in and enjoy the moment.

What happens when I don't have my phone near me: I play with my daughter.

I'm going to be completely transparent here and tell you straight up that I have an ongoing dialogue in my mind about whether to continue down the blogger path or walk away from it. And truthfully, the main reason for this is the ability of blogging (and all that comes along with it) to so easily distract me from being present. Going back to the beginning of this post and my discussion of my appreciation of Robbie's limited time at home with our family, I can't tell you how many times, at the end of his longer periods off work, that I find myself questioning what I'm presently doing for a living. I so enjoy our time just living together, experiencing the everyday with our friends and each other, that after longer periods of getting to do this, I often want to lock my laptop in a closet, delete my social media accounts, and just (yep, you guessed it) be present in my life. And although this goes back to before I started blogging as part of my career (because there was a massive amount of online marketing, and social media presence in its later years, involved with my eco-fashion brand as well), it really is more recently that I've had strong thoughts about just how much my time spent online for work affects my daily life.

It's not only about spending time on a computer or device though - it's also about the blurred lines between work and pleasure when it comes to blogging. (Example: my IG account is called @bubbyandbean, and it's an extension of this blog, but almost all of the pictures I post there are from my personal life. The shots are filtered and cropped and just tiny, edited pieces of reality, but they're still from my actual life and rarely content from the blog or other aspects of my work.)  Like most of us who blog professionally (I feel so weird using the term "professionally" when it comes to blogging, but I can't think of a more accurate term; "career blogger" sounds even weirder), I never intended for my blog to turn into a way to pay my bills and help support my family. Bubby & Bean was just a side project that accompanied my art/card shop and clothing line, and somehow, it organically grew, and I began to focus more and more time on it, and it became something bigger - and eventually, something on which my family relied for part of its income. So maybe, because I wasn't expecting it to get to this point, I just wasn't prepared for how it would create a challenge in terms of being present. Maybe because it wasn't intentional, like many hobbies that become careers, it came as sort of a surprise when it began to run over into my personal life (and thus, as a result, began to drain it at times as well).

Expanding on these blurred lines - when you run a lifestyle blog and you're constantly talking about, well, life (decorating, making food, what you're wearing), it can, in a sense, take away from your, well, life. This is so silly and so not a real problem, but sometimes I genuinely struggle with stuff like, "I really love this project I just made, and I kind of want to just enjoy it, but man, it's great blog content, so I better post it." Or "wow, this lighting is so gorgeous, I just want to close my eyes and feel the sun on my face, but I should probably interrupt this perfect moment in nature to pull out my phone and snap a picture to post to Instagram, or technically, it's a wasted moment, right?" RIDICULOUS. Embarrassing. But it happens. And I allow it to happen. Not all the time, but enough.

I think that in the end, it's all of this (the blurred lines between work and personal life, the false reality into which we all get sucked where an online life full of followers and likes and numbers becomes important in our minds, the constant, additive-in-nature checking of social media accounts) that prevents us from truly being present. But even when you're aware of this, if you rely on pieces of this online "reality" (like blogging and social media) to help support yourself and your family, it's not always an option to just give it all up. At the bittersweet end of these wonderful periods of my husband being at home and our family being together, when I reflect on both the blissful times we spent just being and the times that I allowed myself to get sucked out of the present and waste these precious minutes we have together - that's when I really start to question my work as a blogger. Then a bill comes in the mail, and, as with any job, I remember that it's not as simple as just walking away. (Side note: As I'll explain in a minute, I do enjoy blogging and I'm grateful for getting to work at home, etc. So please know that I'm not complaining - I'm just digging deep, dudes.)


I don't claim to have all of the answers about living in the now (clearly, or I wouldn't be writing this post), and I'm not saying that quitting the online world is the only way to be present. But I do know that a big part of the solution is actually something I've gotten better about attaining in other aspects of my life: healthy balance. I've talked here before about how I finally made the decision a couple of years ago to take weekends off and to work more realistic hours. This has been part of my learning process in how to achieve balance, and I'm thinking it's something I can apply more to separating my actual life from my online life as well. I also want to clearly state that I don't dislike blogging. Do I think I'll be blogging for the rest of my career? Absolutely not. But really, for now, I do love it. It's a satisfying creative outlet for me that I never dreamed would produce income, and it allows me to work from home so that I can care for my daughter - so even when I question it, I'm grateful for it. I just need to continue to learn ways to create balance and focus on (let's say it again, together) being present. Maybe talking it out here on the blog, old school journal style, is a step in the right direction as far as that goes, huh?

Are you still here? If so, I want to hug you. Hard. I didn't plan on sitting down and essentially vomiting all of my thoughts onto the blog today (I actually had something completely different scheduled in the editorial calendar), but I haven't been able to get this off my mind for days now and I decided that it actually made sense to share it here. A decent percentage of my readers are bloggers themselves, and/or work in creative fields that require a lot of time online/on social media, so I figured many of you could relate. Even if you don't do any of this stuff for a living, chances are you spend time online (you're reading this, right?!) or on your devices, and have probably struggled with how to be more present. I'd love to get a discussion going on this, so please, let me know in the comments (or email me, if you're more comfortable doing that) your thoughts on it all. I'd love to hear the things that work for you to stay in the present as well. (This was actually going to be the topic of this post - how things like meditation and yoga, turning off my phone for the day, applying things I've learned about balance from other aspects of my life - are helping me to slowly get into the habit of being present, but my rambling got so extensive that I had to cut myself off before I even got to it.)

So that's it for now. Thank you for reading! I very rarely do wordy, introspective type posts like these on the blog, but on occasion, I think it's good to step out of the design and style focused pieces and into real life, beyond just the curated, pretty stuff. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

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32 comments:

  1. My husband is away more than he is at home, and it is tough... And it does manifest a lot of anxiety for me when everything my falls on my shoulders! We have a puppy and hoping to start a family soon and I know it will be even harder then. At the moment he's away for 8 weeks and when he is back going away again and I think it's totally normal to get that icky "future anxiety" in those moments..Totally with you there!. I don't have a blog but read a recent reference that they are like having your own mini "reality show" which did lend some insight to me as a non blogger for what it must actually be like to blog!! I erased my Facebook and have been "clean" from it for 2 years! One thing I've found is that if you do unplug... Its really really easy to plug back. follow your heart on the blogging and social media Blogging didn't exist in recent history so you guys are really blazing the trail for what the career realistically looks like and how to prevent the burn out factor. Goodluck with whatever you decide :)

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    1. Thank you for your thoughtful comment Kristen! And yes, I think mini reality show is a fitting description, especially for more personal blogs. I hope you get to enjoy your time with your husband when we comes home!

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  2. This was very well written. I don't have a blog but I'll admit I'm constantly checking my phone and facebook and it definitely prevents me from being present. I feel so much happier when I go long periods without checking it.

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    1. Thank you Heather! I definitely feel better when I have breaks from social media too.

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  3. I've been thinking about this a lot lately as well. I haven't been blogging nearly as much as I used to, which is fine. However, I spend a lot of time on social media for my business, which can become a huge time suck. I go to Facebook to post about a new card design and next thing I know I'm looking at someone's vacation photos. And that's a whole different can of worms-- I've felt incredibly burned out and desperately need a vacation, but we can't afford one at the moment, so then I fall into the comparison spiral of "why is everyone else going on vacation, but not me?!" Not healthy. That balance is super hard, but I'm trying to figure it out. Recently, I've made a intentional decision to log out of all social media accounts when I don't need to use them-- on my phone, iPad, and computer. Those are the most productive days. In addition, just this week, we decided to loosely plan our evenings-- what to make for dinner, yoga certain nights, outdoor exercise others, DIY projects one night, happy hour another. So far, this week has been different. We're not being lazy after dinner, sitting on our phones. We needed that reminder that we can be doing something. We played piano the other night and went to a local bar to drink $1 beers and watch the Orioles game. While it may be weird that were "scheduling" our week, it actually has helped us become intentional about what we're doing so far. We'll see how it goes a month from now. And wow. That became the longest comment ever. Just to say that, I totally get you on this. It's a struggle to find that balance!

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    1. Thank you Heidi! I think loosely scheduling your evenings is a great idea and something we might try as well. xo

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  4. Melissa, thank you for such a genuine post. I think in this day and age, social media burnout and/or envy is a real thing - and a real problem. I am an amateur blogger at best, but I still find myself distracted from the present as I strive to capture that picture-perfect moment. Even worse, I attempt to create that picture-perfect moment when it fails to appear so in the end, instead of being present and drinking in the true beauty of the moment, I dilute it with stress, frustration, and insincerity. And as any mother to a toddler would know (my Little Dude is 17 months), time doesn't stop for the camera and per the hundreds of blurry or back of the head images I have on my camera - "picture perfect" doesn't exist! But perfection does, and that is every moment I spend being present with my son, watching him experience the world through my own eyes, rather than the eyes of the camera. Sometimes it's hard - harder than I would have imagined! - but with a deep breath and that little reminder in my head (be present, be present, just BE) - it's getting easier to let my anxieties and envies fall away so I can truly feel the moment for exactly what it is. Because in 10 years, when my son no longer looks at me for assurance or calls to be picked up or snuggles his head into the crook of my neck, I don't want to look back on these moments and think to myself, "man, I really should have been there." By the way, this comment went in a completely different direction than planned! I suppose I'm writing this as much - or MORE - for me than for you. That's stream of thought for you. Sorry! But it is a good reminder for all of us, nevertheless. When you feel yourself getting sucked into that rabbit hole of social media, whatever your medium is, just stop for a moment and ask yourself, "In a year from now, do I really want to look back on my life and recall scrolling through the feeds of everyone else's life? Or do I actually want to go live my own?"

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    1. Yes yes yes to all of this Kristen! Thank you so much for sharing.

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  5. I could write my own novel on this subject, but I think it becomes even more complex when you add kids into the mix. The only life I'm not present for is my own when I start checking work emails while watching TV... Oh gosh, I got interrupted mid-comment and now I've completely lost my train of thought. Suffice it to say, I totally get it.
    xox,
    Cee

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    1. It's absolutely more complex when you have kids. I'm my best at being present when it's just Essley and me. When I have help with her and Robbie is home too, then when I tend to get preoccupied by other stuff. Thank you for your comment!

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  6. Believe it or not, I discussed this same topic with my fellow DIY Bloggers I met up with two weeks ago! All of us seem to feel the pressure of wanting to be present in life plus being actively involved in social media. Let's face it, either directly or indirectly we're earning money through blogging. I realize I'm probably too future-oriented. At times that's really stressful. I really need to consciously remind myself to not think ahead too much! I only joined IG about a year ago, and I admit I've checked it while I'm eating breakfast...on the other hand, I've gained a lot of great new customers from there and they all post very early so I actually do need to be up-to-date on it all. Since I've cut down massively on FB time plus only comment on blogs where I believe it's merrited...that kind of equalizes it. Now that the weather is warming up I'll be out and about more with my camera. Enjoying nature and taking photos is an activity that really draws me back into the present moment :) Thanks for a great article, Melissa!

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    1. It's sounds like your creating a great balance Duni. I think that's the most important part. xo

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  7. This is something I struggle with all. the. time.

    Doing outfit posts, I usually shoot them during my very short lunch hour with my fiancee. We scarf lunch quicker than usual so we can go take some photos before rushing back to work. Those days are usually 16 hour days for me, too. So I'm taking some of that precious time I have to take photos. I haven't found the right balance for this yet.

    With food, we both blog. But we've found the right balance. We will trade off who has the camera while we're cooking so that at least one of us is always 100% focused on food.

    When it comes to plating and eating, we allow a few minutes to snap away our meals and then we put all technology away. Phones go into the bedroom, camera goes into its case, etc. We have dedicated time for taking the photos and then we make everything go away so we can be together.

    When it comes to lifestyle related things, social media, etc, I use scheduling tools as much as I can. I will spend two solid hours scheduling stuff so that I can walk away from it all for a day or two and simply be present and enjoy. I build that time into when we are not together, when the dog is napping, etc. so that the time we do get is maximised. Many of my friends don't even know how I blog because I really am conscious of separating out the time to really be with people. I'm still snapping photos and whatnot but it's photos I would take anyway to remember nights. Or I'll be sneaky and snap a photo of my dinner and then tuck my phone away for the rest of the meal.

    It's a super hard balance to find and one I'm struggling with all the time. I think it's a step in the right direction to have this conversation, though. It at least puts it at the forefront of our thought process and makes us all aware if it.

    xoxo,
    Stile.Foto.Cibo

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    1. It sounds like you have a good system despite any balance struggles. Thank you for sharing!

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  8. I DID read this entire post - only because I'm familiar enough with your style that I trusted you weren't going to waste my time ;) And of course you didn't! Great rant.

    What is ironic about it, of course, is that I imagine it took you a while to type the rant out. The very time you were wanting to spend on life ;) The "oldschool journalling" aspect of it probably made it very cathartic though!

    Marilyn from pulp sushi had a similar topic not too long ago. I think it really does come down to: do you blog for business or pleasure? You blog for business at the moment but it also bleeds into pleasure, of course. My own blog is meant for customers to see a snapshot of my days, my weeks. Meant for them to see a bit behind the curtain, but not to see the whole show, you know? So a picture here, a tutorial there, a favorite recipe coming next week...it limits my efforts satisfactorily ;)

    Again, great post, Melissa!

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    1. That is ironic isn't it? Although when I'm blogging as part of my allotted work day, I don't worry as much about being present in my personal life, like any other job. It sounds like you have a good balance in place in regards to what you share. Thank you for your comment! xo

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  9. This is such a beautifully written article and it's so great that you shared your feelings because it shows that you are relatable and not just a fancy pro blogger! I struggle with this too, with facebook and snapchat and mostly just surfing around online on my phone. This is a great reminder to focus on being present and enjoying where we are now. Thank you for this!

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    1. Thank you Anna! I am definitely not fancy at anything, blogging or otherwise. ;)

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  10. I can't tell you how much I love and needed this post. Thank you for being so candid.

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  11. I read the whole thing. Yes, I did! Because I know you wouldn't have a super long post without something good to say. And I also remember just awhile ago when you wrote a similar post on finding balance (when you decided to take your weekends off and attempt a regular day-shift of work).

    Balance. It's just so hard to find. Even if you're a working parent with an office job. So being a stay-at-home parent with work and an online aspect involving social media...Eeeeek!
    Balance. When you're a lifestyle blogger, it seems like it's even more difficult, because you share parts of your life as part of your blog. You mentioned how your IG is named after the blog, but it's much more personal. And I feel like that's because it's more of your life's moments, with no blogging agenda. But you're the person behind the blog; you're a part of your brand. If that makes sense.

    I don't have the whole work/life balance completely figured out (wouldn't that be nice, though?), but we all have different things that we can do to help us find it for ourselves. I've only had a smartphone for a little bit over a year now. Before that, I was still troubled with finding balance. Now that I do have the phone, um...Yeah, it's even worse! I face the same struggles that you do (those silly, embarrassing conversations with yourself that you have? Yup, I've had some of those too!).

    But I'll share a few things that sometimes work for me:

    - I really only have two social media apps on my phone: twitter and IG (my two faves).
    - I don't use fb for personal use at all. When I am on fb, I usually just get on to do what I need to do and then quickly get off.
    - Use scheduling tools (sometimes I'm good at this, other times - not so much.)

    =0)

    Great post, Melissa!

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  12. I can so completely relate! Sometimes I feel like blogging and social media consume my life, and I hate that sometimes it interferes with me being fully present with people. Just last week I was visiting my family for the holidays and I had to do work every day and found myself worrying about falling behind. There are so many things I love about blogging, but it can be completely consuming. I have decided that I am going to take more blogging "vacations," both to coincide with actual vacations I'm on, but also to give myself a break, just as I would with a job outside of the house. And I also have days (like one this week!) where I just can't stand to look at the computer and decide instead to either relax and read or watch a movie while my daughter sleeps or to do something around the house. It's definitely a very tricky balance sometimes, though!

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    1. That's great that you've decided to take blogging vacations! One thing I've done this year is to decrease my weekly posts from 5 to 4 (with an occasional 5 here and there), which allows me to decrease the total time in my weekly work days by about 1.5-2 hours a day. It makes a big difference!

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  13. I struggle with this, too. Not only do I get sucked in by social media, but I have several online platforms for my business (too many! need to streamline!) and then I spend the entire day on the computer and eat crackers for lunch. What doesn't help is that my husband has a very computer-y job, too, so we feed off of each other. If one of us has a project to do in the evening, the other will just keep working, too. But! Some changes have been happening organically. We've been going to the gym together after work for several months, so that helps pull us into "recreation" mode. My husband is starting a new job in a couple of weeks (yay!), and it doesn't involve travel or extra projects. I've been seeing local clients, which normally involves a trip to their home or a store instead of being parked in front of the computer.

    It's hard to find the right balance when both of you work, but I feel like we're finally turning a corner. I love Heidi's idea of scheduling evenings, and I think I'm going to try that. Having something fun to look forward to will be good motivation to stop working at a reasonable hour. :-)

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    1. The gym after work idea is so great. We do this occasionally when Robbie is home, by going for runs or long walks as a family with Essley in the jogging stroller. I need to make more of an effort to do this even when it's just Essley and me.

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  14. I SO appreciated this post! I mailed off 3 sympathy cards this week -- a sharp reminder that LIFE IS SHORT. Time is precious. Kids grow up SO fast. Some days I feel like I'm "wasting" time on the internet / blog. But I have a love/hate relationship with blogs and social media. They can be a real time suck. And yet, I feel that I have blogging friends who are more in tune with what I'm about than my "in person" friends. Then I worry about spamming my online friends as I try to promote my Etsy shop, etc. But I almost go into withdrawal if I unplug -- so there's some addictive lure.

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    1. There are definitely pros and cons. (And I'm sorry for your losses!)

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  15. I feel like I need more time in my daily clock to read it all, so I marked it for my weekend reading list and I'm promise I will be back with my comment :) xx, L.

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  16. I can completely emphasis with you. It is not easy to set aside your job (and focus 100% on baby) especially a job that you love and that you have dedicated so many years to. That would be a hard transition for any new mom. I have a 13m old, and a husband who is in the Military, so I totally get where you are coming from. I ended up ending one blog because I new I wouldn't be able to dedicate the time to it once baby came. I did however start a new one that has become my creative outlet which I so desperately need. I don't blog on it as much, because I am still trying to find my balance like you are.

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    1. It's not easy to have a baby, job, and a husband who is away a lot, is it? Good luck in trying to find your balance as well! xo

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